I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I’m not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain. I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn’t seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? ‘You’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!’
‘Well,’ I said, slightly nonplussed, ‘the last time you saw me I’d just had a baby.’
What I felt like saying was, ‘I’ve produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren’t either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?’ But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!
I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons.” —J.K. Rowling (via pro-recovery)
Today, and yesterday evening, were hard. Depression isn’t something you take a couple of magic pills for and everything suddenly gets better. It’s a day-to-day process. It isn’t just being unhappy.
I’m up against a lot right now, leaving a job that I’ve had for four years and a company that I’ve worked for for almost seven. I’ve been with this company for nearly my entire adult life. It’s become a part of who I am, and it is the main portion of my self-identity. “I am an analyst,” is usually one of the first things I tell people. I can’t even say that I’m leaving for a better offer at another company. I’m leaving because the department I was transferred to last year makes me absolutely miserable and the stress is unbearable.
It wasn’t until my doctor diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and anxiety that I made the decision to leave. And I feel guilty doing so. Most people my age, hell pretty much anyone, would kill for the job I have in this economy. Especially considering that I only have a high school diploma (in university for my bachelors) and the job isn’t sales. I feel like a quitter even though I know this job is killing me.
I….don’t have much else to say.
I used to do Weight Watchers at work and Fridays were always ‘weigh in’ day. So in sticking to that tradition, I will be weighing in every Friday! (Technically, I weigh in every morning, but I don’t put much stock into the inevitable fluctuations).
My original weigh-in was on Christmas Eve, when I topped at a whopping 279 lbs. And resisted the urge to cry.
Today, I stand at 273.2 lbs.
I’m excited by the almost 6lb loss, but I also realize the bulk of that is probably water weight. But! I’m still that much closer to my goal, and I feel like dancing!
On one hand, last night’s dinner was a crash-and-burn calorie-wise.
Bacon-wrapped dates, a beautiful mixed greens salad, and a divine black-and-blue ribeye.
NOT waist-line friendly. I was craving a good steak (partially because I think I’m low on iron) and the idea of indulging took over. Mostly lack of self-control. But, I’m not going to beat myself up over it, I’m just going to have to get back on track. Because that’s what life is about: balance.
Update: I actually didn’t do as bad as I had thought! Even with the glass of wine, I only went over my calorie range by 250 calories (I’m assuming they butter-glaze their steaks). YAY! (Still have to balance it out though.)
I’ve been missing balance a lot in my life. Between work, school, and home, I haven’t had any real ‘me’ time. Or even any true ‘down’ time. The stress I’ve been under at work for the past year finally really hit home when I saw my doctor at the beginning of this month with a list of symptoms, and I walked out with a prescription for an anti-depression med and an anti-anxiety med. Apparently, shortness of breath + pain/tightness in my chest + dizziness + nausea = panic attack.
I was baffled and blown away. I thought I was stronger than that. But what I learned is that it isn’t about strength or lack thereof. It means I’m human.
But, what I’ve drawn from all of this is that even though I’m human, it doesn’t mean I’m just human. Because to put it like that makes it sound like a bad thing. I have to assume my own strength, not my frailty.
Aw! Yay! I say go for it, that way next year, you won’t be wishing you had started today.
A friend of mine, also a paleo eater, told me today that I was a ‘backwards paleo.’ I wasn’t quite sure how to take this, so I asked her what she meant. Apparently, I don’t eat enough meat to be a ‘real’ paleo eater. So in a gist, I eat vegetables with a side of meat instead of meat with a side of vegetables. Probably 3/4ths of my diet is vegetables and 1/4th protein. Which still makes me scratch my head. Mostly, I think this is because we have two completely different lifestyles. Right now, mine is more sedentary than hers (looking forward to changing that), but she has a physically demanding job + works out 3-4x a week. But, I’m a backwards paleo. I don’t eat a ton of bacon, I don’t eat a ton of meat (I eat my fair share, but not pounds of the stuff), and I love my veggies.
This is going to sound weird, so consider yourself warned.
I feel awkward eating typical ‘diet’ food in front of others (even though I love salads any other time). Where I work (7 days and counting until my last day!), the social environment is very much like high school. Everyone is in everyone else’s business whether or not they know them. And dieting here is like cocaine use in Pulp Fiction: rampant and gratuitous.
For example, I was sitting in the lunch room, playing with my phone, and I had just finished my awesome salad (I like BIG salads with lots of veggies). I use lemon juice instead of salad dressings because I loathe the artificial crap you find in 95% of all low-cal dressings. I’m pretty liberal with lemon juice so there is always a pool of it at the bottom. Some random stranger came up to me and says, “You should use less dressing, it’s high in fat. You’ll never lose weight that way.”
First and foremost, it’s LEMON JUICE.
Second…..NONE OF YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS!
If I want to drink salad dressing from the bottle, I’m a grown-ass adult and can do so. Piss off!
Anyways. I feel awkward eating salads in front of others. Much the same way I felt embarrassed buying NRT patches to quit smoking. People seem to think they are allowed to throw in their 2 cents unsolicited. I’m not sure where that became socially acceptable. If I bring up the subject, then yeah, let’s talk! If not…STFU.
It was kind of a hodge podge of food for dinner. I had a piece of turkey meatloaf from Earth Fare, half a chicken breast, and a salad with tomatoes, pumpkin seeds, and a squeeze of lemon. (474 calories)
REALLY love the lemon instead of the low-cal dressings that are out there. I tend to be rather particular when it comes to food (used to be a personal chef), so I hate anything artificial (fake sugar, especially, gives me a head-ache). I’d rather have a single bite of a REAL piece of cake than a whole slice of a cake made with artificial crap.
I definitely need to do more ‘prep’ work and properly plan my meals. It’s super easy to go outside my calorie range when I don’t (I sat at my computer for 10 minutes trying to figure out what to eat!).
It probably seems rather anal-retentive, but I think I do best when I keep a solid track of what I eat. I tend to be a ‘mindless’ eater, so knowing that if I eat it, I have to log it, makes me think twice about eating it.
BTW, is anyone else monitoring their food via Spark People? If so, hit me up! I’m always looking for people on the same ‘path’ as me! (username: brokenjawedmuse)
Current daily caloric goal range: 1,570 - 1,920
Breakfast was simple as I was still half asleep. Just a half cup diced nitrate-free ham sauteed with mushrooms and onions, then mixed into 3 beaten whole eggs. Tall glass of whole milk (I take dozen+ supplements, milk is the only thing that gets ‘em down). (719 calories)
I seriously should have taken a picture of my BIG ASS SALAD that I had for lunch. It was gorgeous. 2oz of walnuts, half an avocado, a whole diced tomato, boneless-skinless grilled chicken breast (with cajun seasonings! Mmmm!), and 2+ cups of spring mix greens (I <3 arugula!). Topped off with fresh lemon juice to keep the avocado from turning brown. (491 calories)
I’ve been thinking about how I want this to work. Still not 100%. The weird thing, is I don’t feel fat, even though I’m clearly morbidly obese. I love myself, but I definitely recognize the need to get into better shape so that I can continue to be awesome for the rest of my life.
Since this is a lose weight/get healthy tumblr, I figure I’ll start with some stats first.
Weight: 279 lbs
Obviously, I pretty much have to cut myself in half to get down to the upper range of a healthy BMI. I’ve never been a tiny gal, so I’m going to be talking to my doctor about what a healthy weight range would be for me (I’m built much like my father). After I talk to her, then I’ll go ahead and set my ultimate goal weight, but I don’t want to arbitrarily set some random number that I pulled from my ass. I’m assuming I need to get down to 135-140, but I’ll get a better idea from her.
I’m not so much concerned with my weight as I am with my health, so I’ll have a lot more posts about fitness, proper nutrition, and general wellness.
Though, I do have to note. I’m a paleo-eater. I feel best when I’m not eating grains, legumes, seeds, and processed foods. So I just don’t. I limit my dairy, but I still enjoy greek yogurt and cheeses. I don’t do well with straight milk or a whole lot of dairy, but I eat what doesn’t make me feel like crap. I LOVE my carbs, but I just don’t feel good eating them.
I’ll take some ‘before’ pictures tonight and get those up as well. :)